My Friend Is a Mail-Order Bride - MSN Relationships - article

They were raised differently, for hundreds of years. And nothing says our way is any better then their way.

Are they taking a chance? Yes, but everyone who marries does.

The people that look for "mail order" brides, well we don't know their motivation.

Maybe they like that culture, or that look. Maybe they want a slave. But honestly, that sounds like the same things every date is looking for.

The writer of this article is in a marriage of convenience too, she just hasn't uncovered the "need" her husband cannot fulfill, however small it might be. As she examines and critiques him for the next few years, she will find fault, then she will make the same decision she has just written about.

I hate situations like this just because they make things harder for couples like my husband and I.

He is Chinese and I am American. We dated for two years before we became engaged and I even thought about applying for his visa. But China is the second-worse country (behind Russia) when it comes to "sham" marriages and the Chinese consulate is notoriously tough. He is not marrying me for money. I am a full-time grad student and I don't have any. Neither does my family. My mom, in fact, barely made enough to co-sponsor him from her retirement pension and her SSDI.

I went to the consulate in Guangzhou a few times and the American men there were huge American woman-haters. I know there is a stereotype of American women, but I myself am not like that. In fact, I have found that the women in my fiance's family will also bust chops for being home late or forgetting an anniversary. They're aggressive. I don't know why they think these Chinese women are subservient.

And doesn't the article plainly say that the Shanghai girls are just out for the money? Shanghai was where I met my fiance, and he told me that this is the case all over China. So much for the American women being materialists.

All relationships are transactional.  At least they are being honest about it.  Does the transactional nature of relationships mean one cannot be content and even feel genuine caring for the other person?  Certainly not.  I have been with the same woman for a number of years and we are pretty happy on the whole and care for one another.  We just don't kid ourselves.  Both of us have needs and expectations of what the relationship will provide.  I find it pretty equitable on the whole.

As for Chinese women, they know how to be gracious and not be the loud, shrill harpies that so many young American women feel they need to be to seem "empowered".  However, when the guy isn't holding up his end of the bargain don't believe for a moment that those lotus blossom girls don't turn into dragon ladies.  They have pretty tough inner resources.

I've often wondered about couples with children, where both parents work. I think it kind of undermines the family when neither are home. I'm not saying that women should be subservient to their men or their families, but what happened to sacrificing for your family? I think this country would be in much better shape if maybe we returned to the traditional setup while children are really young (Father working, mother stay at home; or really either one at home). It is a full time job taking care of a household and just as important as the other spouse's career, if not more so. Sometimes I really do think women are selfish when they put their own careers and "self worth" above their families. Why can't they have families and "self worth?" The children in this country aren't being raised by their parents anymore, they're being raised by daycares and preschools. But there is only so much they can do. Children need time to just be with their parents. I've witnessed this first hand working at a daycare.

I met my future wife online in Russia. We have been happily married for 8 years and have 2 wonderful children. I understand the author's western bias, and I appreciate that she attempts to understand this situation more fully. I can also tell you that on occasion these matches do work....and work very well.

Nine years ago, I was a busy proffessional in the US who was ready to settle down and get married. I did not want to spend the next several years of my life searching for someone. I do not believe that foriegn matchmaking is for everyone, but I was truly committed to finding not just a wife, but the whole package- Love, family, and a life together.

This may sound callous, but I think the attraction for many men is speed and convenience. I was tired of looking for someone, plain and simple. Here were well educated, well spoken, and attractive women who (mostly) desired marriage. When I met my partner, we were happy and 6 months later were married in the US. We spoke much about the dangers of such a quick courtship. She had a good job, but felt she had no good prospects for a husband or family where she lived. She had many friends who had done this with varying degrees of success. But- We were both at the same point in our lives, and it just made sense.

My advice for anyone considering this path- This is not just fun and games. You are doing this to find someone to share a life with, not someone to put on a pedestal, dominate, or control.

I cannot speculate much on this match in particular, but my guess is that if they do marry and move to Canada- This gentleman will get a wake-up call sooner rather than later if his intentions are not completely sincere.

@StudentGirl -- My wife worked before having kids, and she is now happy being at stay at home mom. Just because a women makes this 'traditional' choice, does not somehow degrade her in my eyes, nor should it in yours. People make choices, and just because you may not agree does not mean that cannot still respect it.

No- I read for above note quite clearly before commenting. It is the scope of all your comments that I'm referring to. A women's choice, is hers to make, not ours. All I've said is that although you can disagree, you should still be able to Respect that choice.

StudentGirl,

You have some strange ideas about what women from outside of the USA are all about. You and the Author of the article have the idea that women from outside of the USA borders are doormats and shrinking violets and that our husbands are losers who cannot deal with a real woman. LOL. If you only knew.

We have been married for near 30 years with 3 grown children. IMO we enter our marriage with a greater amount of honesty than do most Americans ,my husband knew what he wanted from our relationship and so did I. As an immigrant observing the US and some European females I see women who are trying to be more man than a man. It's a constant competition and battle. You are so concerned with your precious career.Read your posts out loud to yourself . You sound so unhappy and shrill? Gee your hubby may be squirming every time you get on your feminist gh horse and you would be so busy with the wonderful career and you would never even notice the pain of your family

I am grateful that my children have grown up under my care and with my and my husbands values. No baby sitters and no habits that were unacceptable to us. I hope and pray that should they marry an American that she will not suffer from confusion, enjoy being a woman,and enjoy the fact that my sons are men.

StudentGirl... mentioned that her Mummy hated being home with her, that is an odd burden to put on a child. From that posts I see and hear" I'm your Mom but I hate being with you , I could have had a career....I could have been doing something else with my life much more important than raising a child I gave birth to." With this example and being in a generation and culture that believes it has to switch the male and female roles so that the Mother will feel "EMPOWERED" like she is somebody only if she is free to have someone watch her kids for 9-10 hrs per day or to serve T.V dinners to her family I can see how a young lady would grow up with these ideas.

StudentGirl like most women in America believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. To the American men ( please no metrosexuals or wimps we refuse to compete with you for the bathroom space cosmetics or jewelery) who wants a a traditional relationship (mariage and family) I would suggest choosing from a few million of my sisters from around the World. We are already empowered and the overwhelming majority of us LOVE being Women, Wives and Mothers

Max I agree with your posts#8 as it was also my conclusion

Hello Kitty ...

I'm happy that you learned firsthand that women from outside America are even more aggresive and opionated than the average person realizes. I'm so tired of people assuming we are being enslaved by our husbands . Good luck with Grad school

I truly find all these comments really amusing. It seems no one reads my posts at all!

Lets clear some things up a bit.

1. My mom never said she "hated" staying at home with us and I know she loved us. She, however, did resent my dad's view of her role in the marriage and his refusing to help out with "women's work" and insisting that she be the one in charge of taking care of him and the home. She has always made sure to instill in me a belief that I should always be able to stand on my own two feet so I am not required to rely on a man. This does not mean I hate men or feel that my empowerment must necessarily come soley from a career. I do wish that my dad had not had to work so much and been home with us more, perhaps if they shared the work/money making, I could have seen more of both!

2. I do not have "strange ideas of what women outside the USA are about". I am married to someone from a foreign country and therefore am quite acquanted with many different families and women from the two countries that are his heritage. He was raised in two different countries and both his parents are also from two different south american countries and they share often how the customs, ect. are. I do not think, nor have I ever said, that ALL women in other countries are doormats. However, my husband can attest to this, in one of his home countries women are more likely to be housewives, it is often customary, especially in the more rural areas. However, I also never said this is always a bad thing. I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts through to you: A woman's choice to stay home or work outside the home is her choice, and should be respected. I respect woman who choose to stay home, and I also respect those who work outside the home. I respect women who choose to have children, and respect their decision should they decide to not have children, or to put off having children till they are ready. Women's decisions should be respected period. Whether or not you understand or agree. What I do NOT approve of, and I make this very clear, is when women do not have a choice. Whether they are domestic servents or society simply expects them to be housewives when they do not desire to do so, I do not believe anything should be forced. NOR do I believe that this is always the case in any certain country, as many women are told to stay home in this country often based on religion. In my friends church I have heard the preacher say that according to God, a woman's role is in the home, not in the workplace. Now, this may not be the case in every denomination, but in this particular one women were told that their place was in the home. I consider this to pressure women into staying home, not always wanting to.

3. My husband and I have a very good relationship. I am also not entirely sure where you get the idea that I am so "concerned with my precious career" that my husband gets left out. He knows I love him and he knows how much I care. In fact, because we are so open and honest he also knows that he comes first, despite my enjoying of my career. I also know that I come first. If, god forbid, something were to happen to me where I couldn't work or I was sick, he'd be there for me no matter what. Same thing with him. I'd be there for him no matter what. We BOTH enjoy doing things for each other. I like to make us breakfast and coffee every morning. I don't do it because it's my "role", I do it because I want to and it doesn't make me less of a feminist. He likes to cook me dinner because he wants to do something special for me. If you want a career and a happy marriage you can do it! If you want to stay home and have one, you can too! Believe me, just because I have my goals doesn't mean I have less of a marriage or less of a relationship. My wonderful husband says he is glad I am the way I am and wouldn't want to be with a woman who was not a feminist. He loves my personality, otherwise he wouldn't be with me. We are very open and honest with each other, and have learned what each other likes/doesn't like. My husband himself is a feminist. He is very proud of me and says often how proud he is that I am so good at my studies and that he loves the thought of someday being married to a professor. I also am so proud of him for what he does, and he's good at it. Both of us would sacrifice for the other. I have worked long hours to help him get through school as well, I commute an hour to school so he can be closer to his school (he goes 5 days a week I go 3...makes sense). I support his decisions and he mine. We are waiting to have children for a while, we want to travel and live in another country for awhile.

4. I have lived in more than one country as well, and enjoy learning about other cultures. They are all different, and all have many good things about them. Not EVERY culture has oppressed women, and those that do have oppressed women does not mean that EVERY woman there is oppressed. But there are some that are, and I think that is wrong.

5. Again, since this is the part no one seems to get, if you are happy in a more traditional marraige, I'm happy for you! I wouldn't want you to do anything different as long as you both are happy and are each following your heart! There is nothing wrong with that! But know that my husband and I are following our hearts, and our relationship is very happy and loving even while we both pursue our dreams together. We both contribute to our household in our own ways, whether or not we contribute according to "traditional roles". I feel that everyone has very much misread into my comments. I do not have children, but my husband and I agree that when we are ready, while our children will more than likely attend daycare when they are older, one of us will probably stay home until we feel they are old enough to attend daycare/preschool. Depending on our respective careers at the time, it could be either one of us! And child/house care responsibilities will be shared. That is our decision and I don't think it is any better than anyone else's methods of raising a family, nor any worse. It is simply better for us!

I mean no harm to anyone, nor do I want to disrespect anyone's style of family/household. I respect anyone's decision on raising a family/relationships as long as they are by free will of everyone involved! :)

Let me get this straight ... You said your Dad worked many long hours and your Mom was home all day with you kids and after this man worked all those hours your Mom wanted him to come home and share her chores. He made the sacrifice to do everything for the safety and care of his family.Can't you and her see that or understand that Slavery had ended??? Did he ever take her to work and say do half my job??

Had she gotten a job outside of the home you kids would have been in Day Care all day maybe in your case it would have been better as you would not be the self assured person you think you are now with your resentments and attitudes instead you would be complaining that both of them were so busy with their careers that no one had time for you kids.There have been many studies showing that 2 incom families unless they are in the upper incom brackets are at a financial disadvantage. When the cost of child care, clothes ,those associated with another automobile or transportation far outweights the income brought in by the second paycheck. But oh well.. she is out there working and thought she contributes little but the appearance of a contribution and feels "Empowered" its ok as she is Happy. IMO that word is one of the words that young know nothing people use because they think it sounds so smart.

You keep saying you mean no harm I personally take no offence as I believe there is nothing wrong in Women working outside of the home just not when there are children young .For you and others who think as you do I am saddened .Too often we make choices and end up dealing with the guilt and heart ache of those choices. You will have worked very hard for the diplomas career and travel only to wake up and realize that the most important things are out of your grasp.

I've known many women who has made your choices and now that they are in their 40's-60's they have the career and the trappings and nothing else I and my sisters have our grown kids and grand kids and can now pursue our careers and dreams.

I'm amused by how many people on here are denigrating StudentGirl for not making their exact choices. I feel like people have many different skills, abilities, and inclinations, and that gender is only one factor among countless others, such as intelligence and temperment. Yet it seems to be the only one most people look at. Marriages real individuals, not just Generic Man X and Generic Woman Y and therefore can take many different forms and still be happy and good for the children who come from them. I don't think StudentGirl attacked marriages where the husband works and the wife stays home and takes care of the household; she just argued for that not to be the only option.

My mother went back to work when I was a year old. It would have probably been sooner, but there were medical issues with my birth. I had a fantastic babysitter from then until I started first grade. My mom didn't have the temperment or inclination to be a SAHM, but that doesn't mean she didn't love me or wasn't there for me. It also meant that my dad didn't have to work as many hours because he wasn't the sole provider, so I got the benefit of spending time with him as well. He was just as involved with my upbringing as my mother, which I consider a huge benefit. My parents have an equal marriage, which has made them happy for nearly 40 years, and I think has set a great example for me.

Finally, I'd like to address a few of the previous posts. First, we're hearing alot from men who married foreign brides extolling the value of this kind of marriage, but we're not hearing from the women themselves. Perhaps this is because the men got the the kind of marriage they CHOSE, while the women got the kind of marriage they were pressured into believing was their only option. No doubt some of them are very happy and would have chosen it regardless, but not necessarily all of them.

And AimHigh, why is it surprising that a woman who has been working at home all day would expect a man who has worked the same hours to share the work with her in the evening? Don't they both deserve a bit of time off? And if that includes childcare, shouldn't the child benefit from the attention and care of BOTH parents, not just the mother?

AnnaMarie ...you have heard from a foreign bride ... Me. and No I did not ,nor did any of my friends also from other countries or even American wives I know expect their husbands to help with the laundry or dishes after they worked all day. We were not going to work with our husbands to do their jobs or doing their work for them if they brought work home.

StudentGirl ...I realy do not care what choices you make ... As I said lets see where you are with the feminist male in 10 years after you have children.